Taking the Plunge (The Art of Unclogging a Toilet)

Let The Good Times Roll(image courtesy of Google)
Let The Good Times Roll
(image courtesy of Google)

The New Year has arrived. Yippee! We are all moving forward in tackling our resolutions. We have removed our homes of candy, cookies and leftovers. We are working out every day or in the case of a friend of mine, “working it out” everyday. I am still wondering what “it” is she is working out. You’ve got to love that resolution though. By far my favorite. She has made the goal so nonspecific that if she slips up, there is plenty of room for adjustment. Very intuitive, I say.

As you know from My New Year’s Intentions Post I am working on my weekly to-do’s to accomplish twelve big months. I started with the removal of 2012 Christmas past. The decor is boxed, the ornaments are in their protective wrap and all feast related delectables have been consumed. Now just stands a 9 foot bare evergreen shedding it’s winter coat all over my living room floor. Removal of the prickly beast is the one and only job I assign to the main man of the house. Please check back in a few months. I may still be talking about Oh Tannenbaum.

So while I was listening to the last of the holiday hits last night on satellite TV’s holiday happenings channel, sipping some Double Dark Chocolate Mate tea, reading my first book of 2013 and wafting the scent of fermented pine, my thoughts began to drift. I was taken back to the summer of 2011. I am not sure if Brian Adams will sing a song about this given what I am about to share with you but for me that old pine scent took me back.

Taking the Plunge(image courtesy of Google)
Taking the Plunge
(image courtesy of Google)

My youngest son was 18 months. I ventured to the pool equipped with a toddler, fresh out of the gate three-year old and an eight-year old. I was fully aware that chaos was about to transpire. But given I scored a new babysitter, the trauma of managing the above children, water, diving boards and mommies of older children who refused to help, it was worth the adventure.

I will not admit I stalked the Life Guard turned Tiki Hut Snack Cashier because I really did have life saving questions and the 12 bags of goldfish and 6 slushies kept children from drowning that day. But it was borderline stalker-ish. Yet, she did give me her number because she was so excited to babysit at some point in the future. Three cute little boys all shriveled and water-logged with hoodie towels, who wouldn’t love watching them? In the meantime, I was going insane.

So the big day came right about when the kids went back to school. The main man of the house had an evening work event and after he played Mr. Mommy Not At All the whole day, I figured it would be a fine time to put Life Guard Tiki Hut Snack Cashier to good use. I was going to take a mommy night off. I left main man instructions for the new sitter and texted her all the important numbers.

  1. Poison Control
  2. Neighbors with spare keys
  3. Main man’s work number
  4. Main man’s cell phone number
  5. Pizza delivery

I had it covered. We were good to go and after work I got my pedicure on and then treated myself to a long over-do workout. When I arrived home she was standing at the door with her flip-flops, phone and keys. She said everything was good and then proceeded to tell me she just remembered she will be doing an internship overseas for six months. Funny as I could have sworn I saw a Life Guard turned Tiki Hut Snack Cashier at the pool that looked just like her for the remainder of pool season. Hmm, strange.

Anyways, she left and before slipping into a relaxing bath, I went to kiss my little angels good night. They were all safe in their beds but there was this smell of something horrible omitting from somewhere. But I proceeded on to bath and bed. Upon waking, the smell amplified. It brought tears to my eyes. But I didn’t discover “it” until I got home from work.

Now to spare you all the nasty details, just imagine an overfilled port-a-pot. Then picture gobs of wet toilet paper all over the powder room walls. I am surprised the carbon monoxide detector was not set off. The floor was wet and the brown murky water was basically bubbling like a witch’s fatal brew. I called the main man of the house and this is what he had to say.

“I was busy. I had to get the kids fed and bathed before the sitter was coming. I couldn’t clean up because I didn’t want to be late for my meeting.”

“Holy hell you knew about this?”, I exclaim. For the love of plumbers. What am I going to do with this? So I grab some flip-flops, clog style, to keep me above sea level and the plunger. It was going to be brutal, this I expected. But down right disastrous, I never gave it any thought.

So I insert old plunge into my once clean toilet and plunge away. It wouldn’t budge. I am getting aggravated and I give it a swift push and I am smacked in the back of the head with water. This is also the day I discovered a defect in our home’s plumbing system. The waste water should not have come up through the sink behind me. But it did and then I really start plunging, and cursing and then the fatal brew hit me in the eye.

I went running into the shower and I swear I wanted to take a bleach bath. I ripped out my contacts. Because I was practically blind and all teary eyed when I went to grab the Visine, I accidentally grabbed 5-year-old pink eye relief drops instead. Expiration dates are very real and in place for a reason. Now my eyes were oozing and burning so I grab my glasses. I have a towel wrapped around me and I put on a pair of main man’s wool tube socks and grab some rubber gloves. I sit down at the computer and Google

How to unclog a toilet

Google answered and I followed all the steps. With my Haz-Mat gear on I go into the pit. I crouch down like a hidden dragon, because if my breath made contact with the gas emissions, flames would be coming from my nostrils, and I shut off the water valve. I pour some dish detergent into the toilet and wait one minute. Then I thrust extremely hot water into the toilet from a bucket. I wait 5 minutes. Then I plunge away. Now I am in a towel, with wool socks, partially blind, wearing rubber gloves and encased in a swarm of bubbles. That’s brown bubbles and they were everywhere. My toddler was laughing and so excited to pop mommy’s bubbles. No! No! No! Every curse word ever known to evil was in my head.

Safety First!(Image courtesy of Google)
Safety First!
(Image courtesy of Google)

Then the bus came to drop my little angels off. I couldn’t run out but waved from the front door wearing Haz Mat attire. My neighbors and kids were in complete shock. Especially since there were bubbles floating everywhere. Then whoosh…down went the remnants of Daddy Daycare.

So, that fermented pine scent is bringing it all back. The fact that Oh Tannenbaum is still bare naked in my living room waiting for removal is just hitting the wrong chords. It is wrong. All of it. The whole thing. Never, ever leave this kind of mess for anyone to clean up. Never take time off of being mommy for a night. Never have a sitter come to the house without mommy inspecting for hazards first. Never pass the buck and if you want it done, just done, do it yourself!

Oh Tannenbaum you and I have some business to take care of. For the rest of you, save this as a safety precaution handout and instruction manual for how to unclog a toilet. Happy New Year and may you continue to “work “it” out” even when surrounded by muddy colored bubbles. Proactivity is always your first line of defense.


7 thoughts on “Taking the Plunge (The Art of Unclogging a Toilet)”

  1. By far one of my favorite blogs to date!

    Working it out gives much greater satisfaction than just “working” out… It’s the “it”that gets you every time!!!

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