The Wrath of the Party Hostess with the Mostest

So the saying goes, “do unto others as you would want done unto you,” or something like that.  Meaning, I guess, be kind to others and you shall reap kindness in return.  I am a pretty good party host.  Well at least I have been told so on a few occasions.  I try to always make my party guests feel welcome and content.

I can usually allow for a few ice breakers via way of cornhole or a nasty fall by myself or one of my children.  A wipe out usually leads to laughter afterwards and the socially awkward to mix.  So, if you need any help in a future party planning event, give me a ring!

The best parties to me are when those that wearily come never want to leave.  When they finally manage to head out by me nudging them out the door, their bellies are full, their jaws hurt from laughing and they made a few new friends.  That to me is a successful party and a hostess job done well.

It doesn’t matter if you are a senior guest, middle age attendee, high school punk or toddler who just dragged your blanket, sippy cup and muddy feet through my kitchen, I aim to please! So, during one of my recent party gatherings, a nine-year old champ wants to know when I am cutting the cake because he has to leave.  Well the ATP (Aim To Please) steps in! 

So, I show the little guy the homemade delectables and promise to save one for him and his little brother.  He cocks his head to the left, lifts one eyebrow like “The Rock” and says. “Yah, right!”  Oh boy was I fired up.  Is this little dude questioning my ATP?  Back up boy! I will be at your home bright and early in the morning to present you with two of the world’s finest cupcakes.  So, you best lower that brow and proceed on home!  And not another peep!

So as soon as the Birthday celebrations were sung and the 28 fingers stuck, licked and re-stuck their fingers into the cupcakes, I snagged up two of them before my son even blew out the candles.  I wrapped them and hid them so they would be fresh, unfound and untouched.

In the morning after Sunday breakfast I decided I would go deliver this questioning my ability lad and his brother their yummy treats. But oh shoot, where did I put them?  I hid them so well I, myself, couldn’t even find them.  So after a 30 minute stampede throughout my house and my tantrum seized, I found the Truffula Tree not so more cupcakes. 

So on my way out for my 3 mile run, I was going to deliver the mini cakes to them.  I went through their open garage and knocked on the “man door” (why is this called a man door anyway?).  There was no answer.  So, I knocked again and again and then rang the doorbell.  If I had my Nike+ Fuelband on, it would have alarmed me that there was way too much inactivity going on.  Oh wait, I don’t have a Nike+ Fuelband.  Take note people, I WANT ONE! 

Anyways, the over bearing, smiling mother proceeded from around the front of the house.  Since my back was to her, she startled me to the point that I jump turned and slid on her “man steps” and dropped the damn cupcakes so I could stop myself from a nasty fall.  “Oh my, are you okay?” she exclaimed.  Yes, lady I am fine and here are your boys cupcakes.  ENJOY!

Just then their new 65 pound puppy came running from the front yard as I was walking from the garage and jumped on me so hard, that I fell to the ground right on my rear end.  She started licking the crap out of me and nudging and clawing me.  All I kept thinking to myself was please get your dog off of me.  I managed to get little Lucy off of me and get back on my feet just in time for her to pee on my brand, spanking new $139.00 running shoes.  Then she must have wanted to thank me for relieving herself on my shoes, that she jumped up to give me a hug ripping my running pants from quad to shin.  Oh my heavens, get me out of here! 

Then bubbly wife’s hubby came running from the front yard and screaming to his wife, “Grab the water bottle and spray Lucy so she will stop jumping!”  At this point I was back on the ground to prevent myself from another Lucy-Loo tackle attack and his wife grabbed the water bottle, so she thought, and starting misting us both.  Yet, she accidentally grabbed the Windex bottle she greeted me at the “man door” with and was spraying us with that instead.  Then her husband grabbed the real water bottle and was blasting us. 

At this point I smelled of pee, dog and ammonia and was bleeding from Lucy’s nail laceration all while dripping wet.  I ran to my car and locked the door from Cujo Lucy, cracked the window and screamed out, “ENJOY your cupcakes!”  I got to the end of their winding 150 feet driveway, and thought, what the bleep just happened?  Seriously people, your water bottle BS is not working and the gazillion dollars in puppy behavior school got you no where.  Get control of your pup!

If I did have a Nike+ Fuelband, my heart rate would have skyrocketed to the point that I would have registered in cardiac arrest.  My BP probably went from extreme high to low in 60 seconds as I accelerometered at light speed.  Imagine the Nike Fuel I would have earned in 8 minutes!  Good grief and now I am supposed to go for a 3 mile power run?  All I have to say is, those boys better have enjoyed their velvety, cream cheese, cotton candy fluffed cupcakes!  And they better never, ever question my aim to please skills ever, ever again!  Check that Nike!  How does it go?  Life is a sport, make it count?  I think that counts and please know, I love LucyNo animals were harmed in the typing of this post.


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